Ode to Fall, An Escape from Fear

I have never been a lover of fall. So many people I know choose fall as their favorite season, but I have always had negative associations with it. For me, fall always signified the end of summer, the beginning of work, the coming of winter. Fall made me anxious when I thought about. I think it all goes back to being a student and being anxious about the begining of school. Who would I sit with at the lunch table? Would I be able to handle a heavier course load? Would I be in classes with my friends? Would I have a homecoming date?? I'm not kidding about the homecoming date thing. I would always be really worried about that and even after college, I still carried that subconscious fear with me, though there were no more Homecoming dances to attend.
Even after I started teaching I had a slight dread of fall. Would I like the new teachers on the staff? Would I have the same lunch time as my good friend, Karen? Would my new principal like me? Would my shows be good this year? Would I get along with the new itinerant music teacher? Fall signified returning to a very, very busy and tiring schedule and getting up early again, something I've always hated. Fall marked a significant change and change, for me, is hard and a cause of anxiety.
When I started this blog, I thought it would be a short little blog about how I went from fearing fall to loving it. I thought it would be a blog filled with anecdotes about me asking if they sold Pumpkin Spice lattes at the Ankara Starbucks and attempting my first apple pie. Instead, I sat here drinking my Oregon Chai latte and thinking about the idea of fear and anxiousness and how it prevents us from enjoying so much and moving ahead.
I meant to write a blog on that several weeks ago as a follow-up to my blog on "reinventing oneself." I talked about being in Turkey and having to define myself with new roles and putting away old ideas of who I was. Last year I was not so successful on the "reinvention of Kate," but I said I was determined this year to embrace my new life here and reinvent myself. So, why is is so hard for me to reinvent myself, so hard to change, and welcome new things? Fear, my friends. Fear.
I am, by nature, a worrier-I come by this honestly. I'm the person on the plane saying to my husband, "What was that?? Do you think that was normal?" I'm the person who is worried all day about maybe having left a straightening iron on (thanks, dad-and I don't think that straighteners are the #1 cause of home fires). I'm the person who almost makes herself sick because she's afraid she offended someone accidentally by something she said to them earlier that day. I'm the person who worries about doing a great job, who worries about looking good, who worries about people's perception of her. I'm a worrier through and through and I fear a lot. That's the truth of it. I'm a fearful person.
And it is that fear that prevents me from enjoying new things that come my way (new jobs, new friends, new opportunites). It is fear that prevents me from enjoying and embracing the things that God has in store for me-new things, things out of my comfort zone, unexpected things.
Rather than trying to think of my own profound thing to say on fear, I'll close this out by reminding myself that God says, "Fear not!" He says: For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Ok, Lord. I'm going to embrace the new things You have for me. And by "embrace" I mean I'm going to hold Your hand tightly and let you lead me forward, despite my fear, despite my worry.
I might even learn to love fall along the way. Having a permanent "Homecoming Date" certainly doesn't hurt:)